Cheesy? Maybe... but it's real to me. Excited and warm'n'fuzzy all inside. No need to rush... no need to run away. Just stand still and enjoy what's coming. Even though it all makes me anxious, excited and worried at the same time, I'm actually quite proud that I've managed to keep my cool for a while and only had some occasional melancholic moments. I guess it's only human to have doubts, about yourself and others...

Considering that I haven't had something even close to a working relationship for about 2,5 years if not even longer, I'm calm. I know I make mistakes... I'm tip-toeing around the whole thing and my own feelings as well. I'm keeping it real, yet not trying to sabotage the whole thing by worrying too much. If it's supposed to happen, it will anyway... and if not, then not. It's as easy as that... no need to push it hard, it wouldn't speed things up anyway and is that even the outcome I'd want? I think not... so excitement can also be a slowly transforming process.

What is it exactly? Can I even call it a relationship? I guess not... no wows have been given, no mutual "loyalty program" offer signed and sealed. It's not certain... it just is what it is... two people enjoying each others' company. But I know from my side... that it almost instantly turns into a one-person offer anyway... I like him. No more questioning of that. Liked him even before the 1st time I spent the night. It's not hard to feel like that if you've got a person next to you who's loving, caring, good-hearted, friendly and lovable... who simply treats you well, better than you've had in a long time. That good, that it's even hard to believe it's real.

Maybe I am over-dreaming it... maybe. But I think it deserves the amazement. Even when I'm worth it, I will look at it as if it's something that doesn't come by so often (and it doesn't), I'll have my eyes and heart open for something new and heart-warming. I'll just be... in it... and let it slowly evolve... into what it's supposed to be, what it's meant to be... surprised that something great is happening to me... to the both of us.

Guess who hasn't written in months. A lot has changed I guess. Therapy is over, I'm getting better... I've found my balance, at least I'm thinking I did.

Been looking out for myself, been alone for a while, cut off relations with people that irritate me... people that give me nothing... people that I've loved and that have rejected me. I'm done with the whole "good-Samaritan act". I'm leaving it for someone else. Someone that is better in this than I've ever been.

I've met someone. I guess that was the real trigger to writing something down here. In fact, first hand I wasn't even sure if I should trust my intuition... I was certain that it has been fooling me again. I couldn't believe a word that I saw coming from him. Let's call him Mr. Unbelievable. I think that suits him, he's like a dream come true when it comes to treating me right... then again, I always have my doubts. It's only a few weeks, a few times... but I can say for certain from my end, that I like him, I long for him, I wish to be with him and taken his actions in mind, I believe he does too... it's not one-sided. But then again, what is certain in this world anyway.

I just came to give an update, I'm alright, I'm doing fine... I'm even occasionally over the moon... to be honest, those are the moments when I am with him... no more lonely, kept in sweet solitude, those quiet and not so quiet moments looking into his eyes and seeing myself looking back... the times when I realize, it's really happening. That I'm here, he's there and I'm not imagining the whole thing in my head.

There's so much about him that I don't know yet... and so much that surprises me and makes me wonder if he even is a guy... he's unusual, not your typical man... extraordinary in his actions, in his way of thinking, a contradiction to every other guy I've met under the same star-sign. Especially to the last one.

I find myself questioning if I'm reading him right, most likely I'm not. Most likely I'm doing things out of fear, doubting myself out of fear... of losing something so valuable faster then I can blink. But I'm still there, I'm enjoying the moments... I'm enjoying what life is giving to me and trying hard not to run away. 'Cause deep inside I don't want to run, I want to finally creep back to a safe shore and stay there for a while... under the sunshine: calm, serene, lovable and happy.

I think asking someone "up there" to let me not f* this one up is only appropriate (even when the wording is not). 'Cause over a few years' time, it's the very first connection when I'm seeing myself brighter than usual. Let this be my shore...

Going back to therapy and trying to understand myself... I knew it was going to be hard but that it'll be this hard and that I'll end back in the beginning of my sorrow and pain... I wasn't ready for it. Or maybe I am, just not really realizing how strong I can be. I wish these feelings would just disappear, I hope that I would be able to understand the whole thing... what's going on? What do you all want from me? What can I be? Who can I be? Should I escape away?

Fuck this, seriously, what does everyone want from me? Better yet, forget all about me and let me be. Away, alone, on my own... one day I need to f* be able to handle myself. It would be about time.