Cheesy? Maybe... but it's real to me. Excited and warm'n'fuzzy all inside. No need to rush... no need to run away. Just stand still and enjoy what's coming. Even though it all makes me anxious, excited and worried at the same time, I'm actually quite proud that I've managed to keep my cool for a while and only had some occasional melancholic moments. I guess it's only human to have doubts, about yourself and others...
Considering that I haven't had something even close to a working relationship for about 2,5 years if not even longer, I'm calm. I know I make mistakes... I'm tip-toeing around the whole thing and my own feelings as well. I'm keeping it real, yet not trying to sabotage the whole thing by worrying too much. If it's supposed to happen, it will anyway... and if not, then not. It's as easy as that... no need to push it hard, it wouldn't speed things up anyway and is that even the outcome I'd want? I think not... so excitement can also be a slowly transforming process.
What is it exactly? Can I even call it a relationship? I guess not... no wows have been given, no mutual "loyalty program" offer signed and sealed. It's not certain... it just is what it is... two people enjoying each others' company. But I know from my side... that it almost instantly turns into a one-person offer anyway... I like him. No more questioning of that. Liked him even before the 1st time I spent the night. It's not hard to feel like that if you've got a person next to you who's loving, caring, good-hearted, friendly and lovable... who simply treats you well, better than you've had in a long time. That good, that it's even hard to believe it's real.
Maybe I am over-dreaming it... maybe. But I think it deserves the amazement. Even when I'm worth it, I will look at it as if it's something that doesn't come by so often (and it doesn't), I'll have my eyes and heart open for something new and heart-warming. I'll just be... in it... and let it slowly evolve... into what it's supposed to be, what it's meant to be... surprised that something great is happening to me... to the both of us.
Guess who hasn't written in months. A lot has changed I guess. Therapy is over, I'm getting better... I've found my balance, at least I'm thinking I did.
Been looking out for myself, been alone for a while, cut off relations with people that irritate me... people that give me nothing... people that I've loved and that have rejected me. I'm done with the whole "good-Samaritan act". I'm leaving it for someone else. Someone that is better in this than I've ever been.
I've met someone. I guess that was the real trigger to writing something down here. In fact, first hand I wasn't even sure if I should trust my intuition... I was certain that it has been fooling me again. I couldn't believe a word that I saw coming from him. Let's call him Mr. Unbelievable. I think that suits him, he's like a dream come true when it comes to treating me right... then again, I always have my doubts. It's only a few weeks, a few times... but I can say for certain from my end, that I like him, I long for him, I wish to be with him and taken his actions in mind, I believe he does too... it's not one-sided. But then again, what is certain in this world anyway.
I just came to give an update, I'm alright, I'm doing fine... I'm even occasionally over the moon... to be honest, those are the moments when I am with him... no more lonely, kept in sweet solitude, those quiet and not so quiet moments looking into his eyes and seeing myself looking back... the times when I realize, it's really happening. That I'm here, he's there and I'm not imagining the whole thing in my head.
There's so much about him that I don't know yet... and so much that surprises me and makes me wonder if he even is a guy... he's unusual, not your typical man... extraordinary in his actions, in his way of thinking, a contradiction to every other guy I've met under the same star-sign. Especially to the last one.
I find myself questioning if I'm reading him right, most likely I'm not. Most likely I'm doing things out of fear, doubting myself out of fear... of losing something so valuable faster then I can blink. But I'm still there, I'm enjoying the moments... I'm enjoying what life is giving to me and trying hard not to run away. 'Cause deep inside I don't want to run, I want to finally creep back to a safe shore and stay there for a while... under the sunshine: calm, serene, lovable and happy.
I think asking someone "up there" to let me not f* this one up is only appropriate (even when the wording is not). 'Cause over a few years' time, it's the very first connection when I'm seeing myself brighter than usual. Let this be my shore...
Going back to therapy and trying to understand myself... I knew it was going to be hard but that it'll be this hard and that I'll end back in the beginning of my sorrow and pain... I wasn't ready for it. Or maybe I am, just not really realizing how strong I can be. I wish these feelings would just disappear, I hope that I would be able to understand the whole thing... what's going on? What do you all want from me? What can I be? Who can I be? Should I escape away?
Fuck this, seriously, what does everyone want from me? Better yet, forget all about me and let me be. Away, alone, on my own... one day I need to f* be able to handle myself. It would be about time.
My hands are shaking, it's not your usual "I had one too many drinks" kind of shaking... it's more the "I'm afraid of myself" kind of shaking. No, I won't do anything to myself.
No, there's no need to worry... it's all in my head... the way I feel like, the way that I am at the moment... the restlessness. One more day just to overcome and then I get to spend it at home with myself.
I must say that I miss people, I miss hugging, I miss closeness. These moments in the night, utterly sad and lost... they just eat me up at times. And it feels as if there's not much I can do about it.
I don't want to give up and let it all go. I want to fight, but I'm a bit tired and cold and lonely right now... right at this moment, in the night. I can't blame anyone for this, neither can I request anyone to be here... it's just hard.
I'm not trying to swallow my own tears, I'm not trying to hold back. I am what I am... be it then broken or alright. The day behind me felt tough... still feels tough, sitting on my shoulders the way it does... I'm trying to reach out, but I'm way too scared to dial a number.
I'm even scared to admit I need anyone. So used to the idea that none will be there anyway. Even when at rational moments I know they will be, they would be... I just need to reach out.
But I guess not tonight... I'll be tough, I'll cross over... I'll survive this night. Nothing too hard. Soon I'll fall asleep and that's that. All gone by morning. Maybe a flicker on the water will be left, but I'll have forgotten it by that time.
Wow, I just wanted to share something that came as a surprise even to me... my first musical achievement out in the open. Much to my surprise a sneak-peak of a homemade version got out today... luckily the video will hopefully distract you all from the nitty-gritty stuff that is annoying my musical ear... once it's done in a real studio I hope the whole thing will sound exactly as we wanted it to.
OMG, I'm just excited at the moment. My little baby out in the open... talk about honesty :) *giggles all around*
Lesson 1: STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF - never let others change you into someone who you are not. Listen to them, but that doesn't mean you need to start acting like them. You're an empathic being, you care... make that work for you without hurting yourself. Don't invest if you don't have the energy. First and foremost, remember that YOU are the universe.
Lesson 2: KEEP LOOKING, DON'T SETTLE - the wise words of Apple's founder, a graduation speech that is bound to raise some eyebrows and thoughts. Therefore, remember not to stop looking. Even if you're confused right now, that is not the end. You will find something close to your heart that you want to do 'til the end of your life. Don't settle, it will only make you angry.
Lesson 3: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART - When you choose, be who you are. Don't pretend and listen carefully to your heart and intuition. They have a way of knowing what you want before you take your pink glasses of. Don't be afraid to fall in love... in fact keep your heart and soul open to whatever wants to come in. Note to self, you can always send them out of there if needed. But don't rob yourself from not finding out.
Lesson 4: WITHOUT MUSIC, LIFE WOULD BE A MISTAKE - notice the opportunities and sing your heart out... it's the one thing that will be left of you after you are no longer there. Plus, you enjoy the hell out of it! Don't be afraid to step on stage, what's the worst that could happen?
Lesson 5: BE CREATIVE - Find art wherever you are. You breathe creativity and can come up with great ideas. They might be unconventional, but not boring + you're a perfectionist, you'll make sure that you get it right. You just need to take some more time to get there. Don't give up!
"If it don't kill you it makes you strong..." - Reamonn / "Moments like this"
I got home and I crashed again... against the wall inside my head as usual. My friend is still gone, people are trying to get information out of me, treating me as if I were some sort of a "miracle woman" - guess what, I'm not. I'm just sad, tired and lonely and completely unaware what I should be doing with myself.
I went to the theater today, the actors were great, the play itself was pointless... a bit of a waste of time. We have this tradition with few of my best girl-friends... that we do it every month, at least once. Was nice seeing them and talking about my latest "triumphs" in men. Needless to say, a lot to tell, nothing to show for. Seriously, where did all the men go that you could at least consider to be Men? Ah well, that I'll probably never find out...
Some things came out of that conversation, like my need to "help" everyone and to "be there" for them. I'm good at it, but the real reason why I do it is because I'm trying to make people care about me. Don't get me wrong... I'm glad if I can help people... but on the other hand, there's always this hidden thought on the back of my head... if I weren't there, they wouldn't need me... I wouldn't have anything extra to give to them and I get into my loop... the loop of helping people and not getting anything out of it instead of my own pain and loneliness...
My friends were right in so many different things... I should be taking care of myself instead of trying to help others from whatever is left of my own energy. I've drained it all again. And I collapse faster than a building if I don't keep to myself whatever few pieces there are left of me. I DON'T want to deal with myself, pushing it all inside, crying out at times and then just pulling myself together. What if I just want and need to collapse for a moment?
The only assumption I can make from all of this is that I need help. I need serious help in finding myself... who I am, what I want and where am I heading to...
And no, I'm not OK, thanks for not asking. I hate that question anyway.
Take it easy on yourself Take it easy on yourself The silent sounds of yesterday The ghost of you dancing in the hallway
Lunar to base, let's get this on The kids have gone mad They've been insane all along
Forever may you run, forever may you run Forever may you run Forever may you run, forever may you run Forever may you
You don't deserve to get lost Soon will come, the waves will stop The still of the night Silhouettes in the half light May your struggles all be won
See, that's what I've tried doing for the last few days. Taking it easy... getting calm. Finding inner peace and a state of mind that would allow me to sleep and breathe calmly. Yes, I've been sick - that's normally the reason why I stand still and view the world from inside out - but I've also had a few personal issues to take care of. Well, let's be honest, there's never "a few", there's always a lot going on.
Oddly enough, at the moment, it's been quite silent for a while, no big shimmering on my soul-water, no big stones... except for one, that really dug deep and has taken place somewhere within me: "I'm afraid that my friend will do something stupid..." - something as stupid as was part of my life 2 years ago. Sometime, that has given up on things.
I've needed to dig deep and some things have surfaced... my ever so constant fear of losing friends... be it then virtual, physical or just simply intellectual loss. I'm always afraid of losing each and every one of those beautiful gems that I really know I can call FRIENDS: Friends with capital letters.
So what have I done to take care of myself? Well.. I've eaten, I've slept... as much as possible, more than in the last few weeks. Even though it's hard. I've written... spent hours talking to myself, writing to myself to get some sense into the situation I'm in. To get some sense of myself.
I wrote a letter to a friend... a friend I've been so worried about. I know in my head that I shouldn't be... 'cause every person is responsible for themselves and their actions, but if you care about someone, then you can't help to want to take care of them. Right now, I'm quite useless. So I did the next best thing I knew. I reached out, I tried to connect. That's about all I can do for him right now... and I must say, I feel calmer. I wrote a lot last night too, to myself, in my own diary. There are certain thoughts that I could never express to the world that way. It's odd, there's like tons of layers that are in my soul... and each and every friend gets a different layer of me...
I was laughing the other day... a while back, when a friend told me that it's odd for him to read my blog. Here I seem always to be a sad Kaisa... whereas in person, I'm like sunshine on a rainy day. Ok maybe I'm over-exaggerating here a bit, but.. hearing that I knew it's true. It's true that I use this place here to dump off some of my sorrow and burdens. It's kind of an escape. There are other places like that... like this one here. My own diary, another one somewhere in the amidst of chaos. I have moments for each of these... too bad that I've got stuck on negatives here... but I remember that I've also shared a lot of good stuff here. Lately I just haven't had time to write when the times are great. I've maybe got more into enjoying it...
Well I don't know... I just wanted to come back here and tell, that I'm alright. I'm as calm as a sea ever can be. Life is weird, love is hard... but somehow, I'm proud of myself, I've managed to push through, not close up entirely and show to the world that I still exist.
It's weird, the assumptions, that people make about you in your social networks - be it then Facebook, Skype, MSN or whatever other means of communication you're using on daily basis. I tend not to be a fighter, neither am I a lover. In fact, I hate fighting and I hate whiny people. Especially after work. I hate being provoked into doing things, saying things... but especially bad is when someone pushes you into a certain mood, stating or even claiming, thinking to themselves, they KNOW you so well... guess what, my friends, I doubt you do.
I'll give you a few examples, I can be sarcastic, I am in that mood when I'm happy, but I can be in that mood as well when I'm grumpy... or sad, or depressed or overly joyed. However, it would be wrong to assume, that when I'm sarcastic it's definitely 'cause I'm in a bad mood or egotrippin'. One couldn't go more wrong with this...
Another example, if I post some music in here... yes, sometimes it's because I'm sad, but sometimes it's also because I'm glad, there is such music in the world. I don't wait around for the next sad mood to post a sad song if I simply like it. Neither do I wait for a great day to post a great happy song. How ridiculous would that be... but to certain people.. .sad music = bad mood, sad mood, depression. Hello, people, I don't assume everything twirls around me, neither do I expect you to understand, but especially, if you DO NOT understand, I expect you to simply stay quiet. Muse to yourself, how much I am in a bad mood basing it on my choice of music, but do not come to tell ME in MY face, what I am like. I think I know myself, what I'm like... your help is not needed in this case.
I think everyone has their own right to be in whichever mood they're in as long as they don't live it out on others... and even then, it really depends. There are certain people that use that as a way of winding off, I'm not one of them. I much rather crawl up to myself somewhere in my nice and comfy bed, listening to sappy songs, if I feel like it, or watching a movie, if I feel like it... but god almighty, I don't go spreading it around...
...so, if someone snaps at me, stating smth completely different than my current mood, stating that he's a "friend" to me, stating that he "cares" about me... then I get pissed off. I don't need beating up from my so called "friends". Especially the ones I've helped quite a lot along the way. And least of all do I want those "friends" to judge me... especially if they tend to do it wrong, thinking they're the Center of the freakin' Universe.
So here I am, ranting off, admitting it. I had a wonderful and lovely mood before, but now, it's left the building. I will in fact, go and listen to a sarcastically funny song, that says "Fuck You" and will forget all about you my dear "friend".
Funnily enough, I just did something I thought I wasn't able to do. Guess what, you're not my "friend" any more. I grew sick and tired of your egotastical remarks, your requests of money and my attention, I can't be a friend, if you don't have a clue what it means to be a friend.
Knowing you, you'll take it into consideration, shrug your shoulders and move on. For you are the same as me: tough as a cookie, egoistic if necessary for your existence, and do not give a f* if another person that is no longer useful for you will leave your life. I step out, good bye, so long, adios, au revoir. For I do NOT need this.
I must say I'm utterly confused right now. I don't exactly know if I did something wrong or if I did, then what exactly. I'm feeling like a terrible person... I don't feel like a friend, even though I've always been there in times of need, at least when he has reached out for me. Now all I feel is empty...
I shared all I had, I tried to keep contact as I could. I only wanted one thing in return. To finally SEE him, after all of this time, I wanted to meet my Mr. Insomnia. It all got a beginning and end on this wall... I pushed him away, I made him feel as if I betrayed him. I don't even know if I did in the end. Or if what I did, mentioning him here and living out my emotions, did I really hurt him by that? It was a long time ago, we got over it, he has been my friend ever since. Did I push his patience to the limit?
Right now I just feel lost and confused. Just like I felt a year and some more time ago. I don't understand him, makes me question if I ever have... makes me question if I was a good enough friend... makes me question if me trying to reach out to him and finally meet him in person was something that was outrageous and an impossible wish. In the end, I did not want force him... in the end I did not want to make him feel bad or cornered, but I guess that's exactly what I did. Broke all bonds by saying, that if it hasn't ever crossed his mind - to once meet me in person - then he doesn't care... I know it's not true, but it's so hard for me to understand why it has never crossed his mind.
Am I really that terrible of a person? Am I really not worth it to sit down once and have a cup of coffee? Was it wrong from me to expect that... and even so, I've been so patient until so far. Did I cross the boundaries and... did I do something wrong? I can't answer it myself. I feel like crap and I don't even understand exactly why and if it's reasonable.