It's sad how things have to go on. In a way it is... it's sad to find out once again that people who you thought had shared everything with you actually have played along. Making a face that is better than everything is. For me it feels like betrayal... I don't know if it's fair or not. I've been living in my little bubble way too long. It's making me sick, it's making me sad... and coming back to reality is simply s*.

I wanted to tell him that he's been existing on another "wall" for a longer time than he's aware of... but I wont. I'll just erase that wall and let it be and fade into the past... or maybe I'll print out the writings on that wall and keep them close to me. I don't know... all I know is that I'm feeling sad, because he regrets that he has shared his "not so good" side with me... without that, though, he would never be the same to me... I don't know if you guys understand, but for me... it's regrets, sadness... and a misunderstanding. As if he never really wanted to trust me.

I'm trying to find words to explain, what I'm feeling. From one side it's relief, 'cause I don't have to guess any more... guess what his feelings are for me. On the other side, I'm sad... the response I got was definitely not what I expected. I got another "no"... from another man. I'm not giving up, I'm heart-broken, I just need time to get over yet another guy that didn't think I was the one for him.

After all these months, weeks, days, all the time that I invested in it... I'm feeling empty. I'm feeling all used up and emotionless. I almost cried in the trolleybus, I almost cried in the office, but I'm not crying right now. I need to move on, I need to re-assess how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling and how to continue with the whole thing. He means a lot to me, I mean a lot to him, but I blew it the first time... I should have known that it's beyond repair. That it can never work, not like I wished for it to work. But I guess life has other plans for me.

I'm starting all over again, new beginning, new haircut, free from all affections, free from chances and hesitation. Now I know. I can be happy about that. It took a while to get back here but I guess I didn't learn it the first time and that's why I need to go through it again.

After I broke up with Mister Ex, it all went upward for a while, I was in denial. I took me months to move on, to release myself from all the guilt, sadness, sorrow... I fell in love again. It was easy, he was gorgeous, nice, friendly, we had a really great connection. But then I came here, I blabbed out my insecurities and he judged me based on that. I broke his great intentions, his loving image of me. I made it all go away. We moved on, he moved on, but I didn't get it. I thought we had a chance to start it all over again, but obviously not. Now I know. I was living in a brilliant illusion the whole time. I was convinced that he still has feelings for me. Little did I know.. that he had carried on as a friend... I on the other hand, moved on as a girl in love. For a while I tried to fight it, then I let it settle in and started believing that this is the right thing, right way. I was wrong. Wrong again.

I need some time now, after I finally understood the gentle message, that he's in love with someone else, that he has his own life to concentrate on... it broke my heart. It broke me... and now I'm in pieces again and have to move on. How? I don't know yet, but I have plenty of time to figure it out. I need to, somehow. I'm not dead yet, life goes on... one way or another. I just wished it would have been him... but now, when I know it's not. It ended, we're done. We'll continue as friends... really good friends and that is all... I'll lick my wounds, I'll direct the romance somewhere else, I'll remove it. I still care, he still cares. I'd be a fool not noticing it. I'd be a fool, if I wouldn't respect it. I just need some time. To get out of yet another hole that I've dug for myself. Welcome life, I'm back again in the starting point. Give me a better ride this time. Please... I really need it. Once more chance, another great man, another roller-coaster ride.