Unknowingly he reminded me of something that I had long forgotten or blocked from my memory. He reminded me of what it felt to loose someone, to wish you weren't late, to wish and pray that you wouldn't need to be held guilty for something that you never wanted to happen. He didn't want it, he never meant for it... but now I'm broken. I'm strong, I'll go on as usual. It's not that.
I felt confused and puzzled, why it affected me so much. He was talking about himself, nothing to do with me, right? But it had something to do with me. Unwanted, things started stirring up from deep within me, things that I had wanted to forget. Feeling of guilt, that I wanted to forget and still do.
I'm still down, unsure of what the reason is, whether it's him affecting me or my own past, I don't know. I have this feeling side of me, that I would like to run. Get away, hide away, get lost. I'm afraid... I'm afraid of being hurt again or afraid to fall in love and be hurt through that. I'm not sure that I'll be able to be responsible for someone else... if I'll be able to bare the thought that whether I want it or not, my actions will affect someone else's life as well. I've wished for this feeling for a long time... to be whole again. And right now, I'm thinking... I'm not ready. I'm still not ready.
I understand him better now that I know... that was the missing puzzle piece. The one thing that affects it all. I'm sure there is more... and yet, for now, I've had more than I've asked for... it came unexpected. I wasn't ready for it and I wasn't ready for what it would do to me. I didn't know it would do this to me. But I'm sure that I care... otherwise, I wouldn't have reacted at all... empathy is a good thing... it's tough sometimes, but it helps.
Btw, Ile has birthday today... I wish him well :) "hyvää syntymapäivää" - not sure if I'm typing it correctly, but I know he appreciated it. He reminds me a lot of you. You two are alike. I know why... but I'm not going to tell it out loud to the whole world, they'll laugh me out. Not that I'd care... but some things are better left unsaid.
Don't get lost... just, don't get lost. That's all I say.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed Turn down these voices inside my head Lay down with me, tell me no lies Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me
Cause I cant make you love me if you dont You cant make your heart feel something it wont Here in the dark, in these lonely hours I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power But you wont, no you wont cause I cant make you love me, if you dont
Ill close my eyes, then I wont see The love you dont feel when youre holding me Morning will come and Ill do whats right Just give me till then to give up this fight And I will give up this fight
Cause I cant make you love me if you dont You cant make your heart feel something it wont Here in the dark, in these lonely hours I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power But you wont, no you wont cause I cant make you love me, if you don't...
Every day I think of him and what we could of been I've craved his touch day and night since I was a teen. I know he feels the same as me, regret, pain and sorrow, and now I can not wait to feel the lust we share tomorrow.
For he is in the shadows of every corner that I turn begging me to be with him and fulfill our loving yearn
I've dreamed of him and wondered if he does love me because I know the truth you see he craves this ecstasy.
As I stroke and as I kiss his manly chest. His eyes wander over me, and I feel the caress of my tender full breast.
As I moan I whisper to him words I thought I dare not speak.
* * *
Daunt from my hidden feelings But never hesitated to face, It’s like a rapture that turns my world goes round. Can’t elucidate this knack I received, Why is this happening to me? This puerile mind lost its innocence Once I met a stranger …And it’s you. Wherever I go, I see you everywhere, What a comely feeling is this? I used to feign, That you’re just a friend, But deep inside, truth never denied, My mouth goes mute, This heart desist from beating, My body languishes, At the time I felt your presence contiguous from mine. Oh, I never felt this feeling before… Is this what they called love or just an infatuation?
Who am I? - The easiest way to put it would be that, I'm a typical Aquarius, INFJ type of person, born in the year of Ox/Tiger with an indigo kid twist...
Do you by any chance know what a typical Aquarius is like? - No? - Well, neither do I....
