You could read the title in many ways... I'm talking about men... men or boys or.... simply the other gender.

Lately I just have the feeling that someone just wants me to be single and all alone. Yes, I get the occasional chance to feel some tenderness, some guys smiling to me, some bringing me out for a walk... some simply writing to me. But in the big picture, none of them are bold enough to make a move and I'm so tired of the games.

Honestly, I just want to be taken care of... just to relax and let go. I don't want to try (not that I am that desperately) or tell people what I'm feeling. I just want to be left alone, in my own little life. The heartache or rejection is simply not worth it. At least for a while now. So I'm again, going to escape into my little cave... meet up a couple of friends when I finally get back home (in Budapest right now, working)... 'cause I need them. I need the positive influence to make me feel a bit upbeat.

Every time when I think that hey, this is it, now I will be great, there's a nice guy who's interested, it just drops for some ridiculous reason. And I'm sad... sad 'cause I'm starting to feel that it's all about me. As if I'm that scary... maybe I just shouldn't give a s*?

I've managed to fall in love more than just once in the last few weeks and every time it ends up with the same thing. I get hurt, even though I haven't imagined anything, and the guys just run... run to the winds. Escape from me. Yes, I get new friends... but I'm hoping for a guy in my life... a lover. Someone I could take care of and someone that would care about me. I should simply slap myself every time when I fall in love again.

Why does falling in love have to feel so bad? Yes, for a moment it's really good... and then the reality kicks in... the guy either has a GF, or he's simply scared or he's simply making things much more complicated then it is. I'm fed up of this... I don't want to. I want to experience love but... with which price? Just sooooo tired... f* you guys.

Unknowingly he reminded me of something that I had long forgotten or blocked from my memory. He reminded me of what it felt to loose someone, to wish you weren't late, to wish and pray that you wouldn't need to be held guilty for something that you never wanted to happen. He didn't want it, he never meant for it... but now I'm broken. I'm strong, I'll go on as usual. It's not that.

I felt confused and puzzled, why it affected me so much. He was talking about himself, nothing to do with me, right? But it had something to do with me. Unwanted, things started stirring up from deep within me, things that I had wanted to forget. Feeling of guilt, that I wanted to forget and still do.

I'm still down, unsure of what the reason is, whether it's him affecting me or my own past, I don't know. I have this feeling side of me, that I would like to run. Get away, hide away, get lost. I'm afraid... I'm afraid of being hurt again or afraid to fall in love and be hurt through that. I'm not sure that I'll be able to be responsible for someone else... if I'll be able to bare the thought that whether I want it or not, my actions will affect someone else's life as well. I've wished for this feeling for a long time... to be whole again. And right now, I'm thinking... I'm not ready. I'm still not ready.

I understand him better now that I know... that was the missing puzzle piece. The one thing that affects it all. I'm sure there is more... and yet, for now, I've had more than I've asked for... it came unexpected. I wasn't ready for it and I wasn't ready for what it would do to me. I didn't know it would do this to me. But I'm sure that I care... otherwise, I wouldn't have reacted at all... empathy is a good thing... it's tough sometimes, but it helps.

Btw, Ile has birthday today... I wish him well :) "hyvää syntymapäivää" - not sure if I'm typing it correctly, but I know he appreciated it. He reminds me a lot of you. You two are alike. I know why... but I'm not going to tell it out loud to the whole world, they'll laugh me out. Not that I'd care... but some things are better left unsaid.

Don't get lost... just, don't get lost. That's all I say.