Stash of secrets

Craig Armstrong - This love...

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 19:55:43 GMT

[ Made in China ] - Just shine

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 19:53:36 GMT

Early morning you wake up from a dream
and thoughts are running wild
Waiting until the room stops spinning
seems like a reasonable thought

Try to show what's hidden inside
Find your soul, let's keep up the score
Feel the cold wind freezing your mind
Just shine

All the friends you had a good time with
are gone, they all went home
We were jamming 'til the time was 6 o'clock
No, we didn't slow down.

Try to show what's hidden inside
Find your soul, let's keep up the score
Feel the cold wind freezing your mind
Don't be afraid to shine, just shine...

Leave behind' dark shadows of the night
And all the lights are shining so bright
Mountain so high' all that you've climbed
Things can only go better now...

Try to show what's hidden inside
Find your soul, let's keep up the score
Feel the cold wind freezing your mind
Don't be afraid to shine, just shine...

Motley Crue - Home sweet home

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 14:53:03 GMT

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long & winding road

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home...

All the reasonable thoughts we get.

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 10:29:35 GMT

Everything stings inside, he messed up my head. He just knowns how to. I wish he wouldn't care at all. It would be easier... maybe? I wish I wouldn't care... just ignoring him and concentrating on something else has been hard.

Yesterday I was stupid again. Why did I even write to him, I don't know. Seemed like a reasonable thought, who knows why... It's all over. There's nothing to be saved... it was all a nice illusion. An illusion that I believed too much.

I spoke freely yesterday, I almost started to cry... unwanted. Now he thinks probably he had such an effect on me. Ok, he did, but he needn't know that. It undermines me. Ah well, could be worse I guess...

We never met and probably never will if he has anything to say to this. I don't know why, I would care to find out, but he hasn't been able to put that into words. It's hard to let go on smth that you've falsely started to believe in. In the end, I lost myself in him. That's why I'm going on a "man diet". Meaning... I've got to fix myself first to be able to love someone else.

I'm broken. I hurt myself and I continue to do the same on and on and on... so I guess it's time to take a break.

Shanon - L�bi pisarate (Through tears)

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:29:52 GMT

Change of vocal has given something to them... although I'm missing some of the power the previous singer had. In general, job well done Taavi, job well done ;)

A very depressed cat :P

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 09:43:20 GMT

As Miss Jazz lightened up my day, I figured, it's good enough to share it with you guys too. Enjoy! :)

Dumping the old habits...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:46:03 GMT

So this morning I had a serious discussion with myself. Again... I can't seem to get enough of those. So this is what I was telling myself:

First of all, it's time to set your priorities back to where they were before you got dazzled away by men and warm and fluffy feelings - that means, back to work, back to school, back to losing weight, back on track with planning your life.

You haven't been great with taking care of yourself lately. You come first! You are the universe and the rest come after that. If love finds you on the way, don't get lost so easily, concentrate on what's important to you. Let the men work a bit harder as well in winning your heart. You're not supposed to be the only one caring, talking, bugging... and please, don't start to obsess about "finding love" in your life. It's important, but it can't take over your world.

Go back to therapy, find yourself, talk it all out and through, you will need to know before the end of this month, what is it that's important to you and what you want from life. Autumn will be hard on you: work, school, vocal technique school, the band and renovations in Tartu. It will probably fill all available time you have.

Those are the important things in your life. Cut back on cigarettes. Have fun and find something nice for yourself - cinema, theater, concerts... singing, Nordic walking, yoga. For once, do something good with your body, loose weight and get healthy. A smoking singer isn't a good thing.

You love drawing, probably school will draw you back there, it's good for you, spend every possible time you have on that. Plus, don't forget the French lessons. You started with it, now is the time to continue. Set yourself some goals and fill them in.

Work will keep you in Budapest for some time, it will keep you also in the office. Don't let it overwhelm you. Do as much as you can, but don't overdo it. And for Christ sake, don't let men drag your self-esteem down.

You are a great young woman, smart, intelligent, good-hearted, a genuine good person. Don't apologise for your feelings, don't let things get carried away. You're worth more than that. You're worthy of a nice man who would genuinely care for you and take care of you. Who will not be scared off if you say something really honest, be it here or straight to their face.

You can be honest, you can be egoistic. After all, there is always two sides to each story. If they cannot admit it, commit to you and rise to the occasion, don't lower yourself for them. Let your pride take over. If love comes, it's good and if it doesn't... well you've still got enough time to get back on track. Don't play foolishly around with your heart.

I feel out of balance at the moment, but I'm strong enough to pull myself together. I will be back in therapy starting from tomorrow. I will go and take myself under a further inspection. There is something missing in me that I keep on falling to the same hole on and on again... but I'll get to it. I want to work on it.

Even if I am lost right now, it can't continue forever. Instead of running from it, I will face it, full front. I will stand two feet on the ground, I will smile and I will laugh at it and that's that.

No more crying late at night to my pillow. No more insomnia... no more letting thoughts get the best of me. Long walks on the beach with myself... better yet, Nordic walking with an mp3 player in my head and that's that. At least then I wouldn't need to sit at home and obsess about things that really nerve me.

Music and some more...

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:06:46 GMT

And everyone is looking for happiness
And everyone dreams about
Everyone is in need of love
And everyone dreams about...

Mister Insomnia is going to kick my a* if he finds out that I've once again stolen a song from his collection (just kidding).. but I thought this worthy of sharing. Apart from the pretty blue background, it has a fair point in it. I wish it were in English so that everyone would understand but it's in Finnish, one of my favorite languages... to be honest, I think songs in Finnish sound really nice... soft, spoken, magical to me :)

Like this one for instance:

Enjoy!

The Eagles - Take it easy

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:38:48 GMT

I've got a lot f good advice lately from my male friends. I mean, women are great, but occasionally we just tend to overthink it all, we just don't get the male logic part - I know that I don't for that matter - so it's quite nice to listen to what men actually think, to hear what's their perspective on things and relationships.

I've got into a loophole with myself. My logic is no more the best and doesn't make much sense anyway. I guess momentarily I will simply take it easy, a thing I hear a lot from others. If it happens, it's great, if not, then nothing is wrong either... life goes on.

Let's roll the white flag up

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:27:32 GMT

I'm starting to make peace with myself... I think I've written a lot lately, so today I felt already a bit too empty. Thinking that if I have something to say or not, but there's enough words left in me.

I was thinking that "when it happens, nice... and if it doesn't, there's enough people out there that I haven't met yet" - it's not that I have given up. It's just an easier way of comforting myself and bringing reality a little closer. I mean in the end... we meet so many people during our lifetime that maybe I shouldn't spend that much time mourning the ones that I lost during the way.

It's not that they don't matter, it's just that life goes on and... if it does, I've got to live with it and with myself. I don't enjoy it, it'll sting for a while, but I'm accepting it, if it has to be that way. 'Cause there's not much I can change about this. So I guess this is acceptance... I think!?

You know, it would be really great seeing it happen the other way around. I'd love to spend my day and nights together with someone. I'm open for a relationship. I'm open for love... I hope it will find me... in a form of a guy who wants to have a relationship with me because I'm awesome and good-looking and smart and funny and... well I have a good heart.

And now I have a smile on my face, I guess this thought really made it through to me. In the end, you know what? I'm not so bad after all...

And I can go on a date with myself as well, go to the cinema, see some concerts, theater, live my life and be happy about it. I'm not dead, so I might as well enjoy the time I'm spending in this world. I'm a grown-up woman, I've got a job, I've got a nice apartment, I've got really good friends... I'm not alone and I am confident. So I can face the world with the strength in me. I believe that!

�ksinda (Alone.)

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:51:54 GMT

Ma arvasin end armastavat juba ammu.
Ka siis, kui k�nelesin l�bi lillede.
N��d olen astund j�lle �he pika sammu.
Eks ikka l�hemale. Aga millele?

K�ik vaatavad mind. Mina, muuseas, vaatan vastu.
Ei ole m�istmist, ei ka m�istatust.
Ma tean, et kusagil on koerad lahti lastud.
Ma ootan pauku, aimamata, kust.

Ahjaa... see armastus. Ta kummalisi helke
mu �rkvelolekusse �ra segab und.
Mu tuba ajuti on tulvil valgeid nelke.
Mu akna taga langeb l�ppematult lund.

(rough translation)
I thought I loved myself already a long time ago
Even then, when I was speaking through flowers
Now, when I've made another long step
Well, closer... but closer to what?

Everyone is looking at me. I'm, by the way, looking back.
There's no understanding, no mystery.
I know, somewhere the dogs have been let loose.
I'm waiting for a bang, unknowing, where it will come.

Oh, that love... It dawns weird light
in my waken hours, it disturbs my sleep.
My room is occasionally full of white carnations
There's endless snow falling down behind my window...

The final kiss...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 20:25:34 GMT

There are no shortcuts to love...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:50:53 GMT

Probably the most meaningful sentence of the day - "There are no shortcuts to love" - that's what I've been trying to tell myself. Lying in my bed early this morning, listening to music, trying to sleep and fighting the anxiety. That was also something that I was trying to reflect on myself when I was showering away my sorrow, at least trying to do so.

I had tons of thoughts in my head. Things that are messing with my head. One of the things I had in my head was the question: "Why are you doing this, making yourself pretty?" - I was puzzled, I didn't know what to answer to myself... I guess deep down inside I'm always hoping to find someone that would cherish me... that would see me and try to get further beyond my stony but warm surface. I'm so damn complicated that sometimes even I don't understand myself, he would need to be strong, stubborn, willing and determined...

Then I was thinking... it's raining outside, it's a night for thunder, I enjoy thunder, but only from the comfort of my own little apartment. Somewhere warm... somewhere with a view. I have it good... even though sometimes I play around with the idea of being in the middle of a thunderstorm. To see the rage straight from where it is... to get lost in it.

And then... thoughts away from the thunder I was thinking of him and my childish dreams. I still have dreams... I've had them all along, I've just tried to be grown-up about them. Yeah I know - *laughing out loud* moment - but I'm still allowed to dream I hope.

What I had in mind was these nice little imaginative movie moments. How we'd meet... if that should happen one day. Let's imagine it still does - we don't want to lose the optimistic ambient I've created - so... we'll be meeting... there are two places and situations I've imagined it happening at...

(1) first I had Pirita in mind, walking along the seaside... me sending him a message, smth about the fact that the view is great, and that he should go chasing it down from where he is standing.. or at least enjoy it, from his window pane... I'll wait... I'll wait for a return message, saying that he will or he is already doing it... telling me to keep warm... and be safe. 'Cause you never know who's lurking around in Pirita, at the seaside, trying to be romantic... and then all of a sudden, when I'm concentrating on the sea, walking along, not noticing what's going on around me... he'd be there... either walking towards me, or simply putting his arms around me when I'm not facing him... and I'd know it was him... and finally, I'd be able to sense him, feel him, touch him...

(2) The second, maybe not so romantic version of this would be him meeting "accidentally" me in a place, where I'm going or where I'm at... he knows where I live, so showing up at my doorstep with a twisted, wicked, quirky smile would be one way to look at it. Another thought would be him sending me a message, let's go for a walk, I'm downstairs, just get here... I'd be baffled... I love surprises. Especially when they're nicely planned. I'd do it myself... but I have a feeling this is not the right way to go with this.

It's the moment of surprise or no surprise that is captivating. Knowing that he wanted to see me, he even took some trouble getting there or making it special for me... yeah my dream prince on a "blue horse" :P would do that in my head :) - but that kind of things only happen in movies, don't they? Well I wish my life would have a movie like that in it... *grin*

* * *

So what will I do now? I've taken out a recently opened potato chip pack, Nutella (sic!) and will be watching Hannah Montana... a chick flick! All I'm missing is butter popcorn!

I wish though, that I was cuddling up in someone's arms, no potato chips but still keeping the Nutella and enjoying the storm. From a safe distance. I already have in mind, with whom I'd like to be, not that it's going to happen, but I can still dream... I'm allowed, ain't I?

And yes, I know, I'm really random lately, I just need to get some stuff out of my system. Bare with me... and if I start making no sense, just let me know...

Estonia. Positively surprising.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:26:58 GMT

Annett Louisan - Chancenlos (Without a chance)

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 09:38:51 GMT

Das Schicksal lacht dich aus,
voll Ironie,
es zieht dich rein und raus,
spielt Lotterie.
Ein dummer Teenager-Traum,
jetzt wird er wahr.
Warum erst jetzt
und nicht als sie 16 war?

Geschminkt am Freitagabend
allein bei sich zu Haus;
erfundene Begleiter
rufen an und f�hren sie aus,
eine die den ersten Kuss
mit ihrem Kissen �ben muss.

Chancenlos

Du sagst, du kannst dich nicht erinnern,
hast sie damals �bersehen
zwischen all den reichen Kindern
und den Sch�nheitsk�niginnen;
damals hat sie dich geliebt,
mehr als alles was es gibt.

Chancenlos

Das Leben spielt auf Zeit
bis es gewinnt;
grad' wenn du br�llst und schreist,
stellt es sich blind.
So viele Dinge
bekommt man erst dann,
wenn man sie nicht mehr gebrauchen kann.

When Mister Ex left, it took me months to get over the feeling of not belonging anywhere to the point when I was happy that I don't belong to anyone... and not necessarily to one place either... That I'm a free spirit and can fly wherever I want to. I even started to like the feeling, I need it occasionally, so it didn't bother me. Until it started getting confusing... when I started to have feelings again... the ones that I had blocked out for months.

You see, it's not possible that one can be completely alone, at least not in my head. We always need someone to share our ideas with. Yes, occasionally it all gets on our nerves and we'll search for a silent place, where we needn't do anything, but mostly, human beings are social creatures.

There are moment when I'd love to communicate via the power of words, just talk, express my feelings, emotions, thoughts... and also fears. Most of all the fear of finding myself all alone in the world... much as what I've been seeing in my dreams lately. It's an awful feeling, being in the middle of nowhere, just you, none else... naked and empty. I hate those dreams. I feel like crap when I wake up.

I've been listening to "Dust in the wind..." - a song that I was listening to 100 times a day after my first real rejection. The emotion is still attached with this song. Whenever I listen to it... I feel unwillingly sad. It's not that I like to torture myself, but at one point I'd love to listen to this song without that many emotions. Then again, right now, it feels like it's in the right place.

Yesterday morning I was able to put on the "keep smiling" mask, in a way it was a mask, but a very good one. I smiled and the world smiled back at me, no harm done. Was I happy inside? I guess, for a short moment I was able to detach myself from what I was feeling and from the situation, it was a good moment. It felt good not to worry... the night however was hard... I went for a walk at the seaside and I had him in my head... and then I felt him in my soul and heart. I don't have a knob to turn it all off. The feelings that I have inside for him.

But I'm not sure I have a second chance at this... if he'll even see me the way I think he saw me before. Life can be complicated, but the worst thing is WE live it complicated. I hurt inside right now... 'cause I hurt him.

Just feel...

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 22:15:19 GMT

I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her

Scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel
Real love and the love ever after
I can not get enough

This long day is now over... full of answers full of bigger questions. What is it that we're living in. What's the situation that I'm in? I got a hold of my anxiety, even though it was killing me last night. I fought it hard... I hardly slept. But in the end I managed to keep it calm.

I smiled to the world... it didn't smile back at me...
I laughed at the world and myself, it laughed me out loud...

I took a walk down a memory lane... trying to figure out what kind of a person I am. I tried looking deep inside me, to see what's important for me. I tried looking outside to notice, who cares about me... who gives a damn. I saw a lot of people.

And then I saw myself, from a reflection at the bus station and I thought, hey, I'm not that bad at all. I looked like s*, but... there is strength in me, strength to carry on, to fight the cruelty of the world, to fight through the whole mess I've managed to create.

I'm not really sure if I should deny my heart feelings now. If I should try to suffocate it all and try getting over it as fast as I can. Or if I should hope? If I should keep the warm feeling that I have in me... it would be easier to run away from these feelings... to suffocate them into a meaningless state - even though it'll take me months and months to get back to where I was before I met him and turned my life upside down.. 'Cause I don't know what he feels... and one-sided love is as good as no love in the end.

One day at a time, right now it's like this...

* * *

I was thinking... it's been more than half a year since Mister Ex left the building. In that time, I've been held in someone's arms all through the night... about 3 times. No sex, nothing physical, just the power of touch. The security of being held by someone. I wish I had more of that. It feels as if I've stolen even those moments and done it wrong. And sometimes it feels simply wrong, that I've gone for that good feeling...

I miss the closeness, I'm not ashamed to admit it. it's necessary, it's not easy. Especially if your values kind of deny you from that. It's not easy, 'cause by doing that we never want to hurt anyone. There's been enough confusion going on...

* * *

I'm going to bed, sleep tight Kaisa... is all I can do to remedy myself. Can you hear the silence off the walls? Can you feel the tears on your cheeks... can you hear the voice in the headphones...

"No matter what I say or do... I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone..."

If anyone cared.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:03:10 GMT

I'm ok. I'm alive, I scraped myself off my bed. I'm surviving.

Little mess called Kaisa.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 22:42:19 GMT

I've screwed it all up... big time. It's a mess and it's all my fault. I've probably lost one of the best people in the world... someone that understood and took me the way I was... until I got scared.

I've messed up, I guess in his eyes I'm not worth a second chance... hell with it, in my own eyes I'm not worth a second chance. I resent myself. I want to disappear. I want to get lost and not just be there. I want to continue to exist. I cry... I cry now. It all got to me... I can't no more.. I can't be strong, I can't be that strong... I can't be that unemotional. I've never been. I'm not unemotional.. I care... I care so much that it tears me up inside. I'm angry at myself, for creating the situation. I'm angry that I'm telling it all out to the world. I'm so tired.. I'm tired that I can't find love... I cannot fight for it... I cannot keep it...

Every little thing I touch turns into s*. I have this ability. To mess it all up. I'm not worth anything... not anyone. I'm just... useless, peace of shit. I've had enough, I want to disappear. I want to be gone. Out of this world...

Just stop the world, I want to go off. I want to get out. I want to walk under a car, jump off a cliff, just say goodbye. Right now... when I'm mentally drained. Physically not really getting it any more... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. So tired of being... ran over on and on and on...

Don't take me serious... I'll get up in the morning... I will 'cause that's how I've been taught and how I've been made to be like. To scrape the last pieces of myself off my bed. To avoid the confrontation and anxiousness. I'm a mess.. I'm a huge mess... and deep down I wish I wouldn't exist. I'm no use to anyone. I'm no use to myself. I just complicate this world. I wish I would bring some sunshine to it... but in the end I doubel the amount of rain it brings.

I hate myself at the moment. I hate myself sooooooo bad. And there's not a damn thing I can do about all of this. I'm not given a chance. I guess I don't deserve it at all either.

You say it's bullshit, probably... I should respect myself, be out there, be out and about, respect myself and show myself that I'm worth something. But you know, without love, for me there's nothing left to lose. Absolutely nothing. I could disappear and none would notice.. at least it appears so at the moment. Egoistic point of view again... I know I've got friends that care, my family... but then again... was that all I had to give to life... as if I just passed along, made nothing and now I'll disappear.

I'm depressed... but tomorrow... tomorrow is another day... the day when I scrape myself off my bed (if I do), get a cold shower, play around with make.up and pull on my "keep smile". And none will notice that I was gone in the middle. 'cause I'm strong... that strong that I can't give up as I want to... that strong that I cannot push myself off a cliff or a window... there's too much to be given still...

People come and go... some stay, some don't... they kill little pieces of me deep inside... but I don't regret any of them.

I wish I were worth something, someone... some thing.

You're worth more than I have got...

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:31:14 GMT

I've spent most of the day introverting, 100% in full volume. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm empty. I want to explain. I want to talk, I want to be heard. I want to clear these things out.

Maybe then I'll finally have some peace of mind... nothing constantly going on. No wicked ideas, no contaminated thoughts, maybe then I'll be pure, simple, good and angelic like they expect me to be. I want to be good, I want to be blindly in love... my past won't let me. I won't let me... 'cause I've hurt too much. I too am scared, scared the hell out of it. Maybe You cannot see it that way... but I do... and I should know best what I'm feeling, don't I?

I wish You wouldn't start thinking that all that I wrote, that it's all about you. In the end it's my egoistical ranting about WHAT I WANT, not what I'll get, what I can expect, what I've been promised or what I really think of people. The truth is, you never promised me anything... therefore, you should not feel bad... not at all. It's me who is expecting something 'cause I have feelings, 'cause I hope that I can be more to you than just a friend or a person you know. I never betrayed your trust... what I could have done more is to be honest to You. Honest about my egoistic thoughts... or the thoughts that I felt a bit abused... the reasons behind this sick thought lie in my childhood, teens... they have nothing to do with you, it's just what I've gone through.

You said that you felt the wording was not right, it's likely that at that point I wasn't really trying to pinpoint out the best words for it, I just wanted to get the thoughts out, the feeling out, 'cause the anxiety is killing me. Just like it is with your heart, the only difference is, I've got nothing to calm it down with. If it goes, it goes... panicking through the window. Hours of anxiousness is as bad as not being able to walk from one room to another. You can't cure it with pills... it's just constant thoughts running through your head... constant nervous feeling. I don't know if You've ever felt something like that.

I've been betrayed, a lot of times, with my trust in my past. Haven't we all had that. I've had friends, towards whom I've felt more than just friendship... I've been neglected, pushed away once I've told them what I feel... I was afraid you'll do that too. I've been used, mentally, verbally... 'cause I'm a little bit naive... I put a lot of effort into friends that I think are worth it... and with you I thought you were... but then again, I always had this tiny little suspicion in me, that maybe things ain't the way I believe they are. You see, I'm skeptical by nature... this is who I am, I'm looking for hidden agendas. I'm looking, 'cause I don't want to get hurt... just like You do... occasionally, try reading between the lines, thinking I say things the way they aren't.

That's the chat world. We cannot grasp what the other one is saying. Sometimes it's hard. Yes we have emoticons, they relieve the situations, but it's not eye-to-eye. I'm bad at this, I read out more than there was, I got tired, I let my bad mood win the conversation in my head, I felt depressed... I felt out of the picture... not in the loop. Confused. And I said it out loud, just like You occasionally do... say things, that you know perfectly well, are dumb, stupid, make no sense... but you just feel like that. And I've always tried to understand... I've never felt that you're a bad person because you've said those things... you have a right to be upset... I do too... I can be angry at the situation, angry at my emotions, angry at my thoughts... curse it out loud... just as long as I feel better afterwards.

Sure there are better ways for this... I guess this was mine. I'm not going to hide it, it's a part of me, as good as anything else I've said. I'm only sad that you got caught in the middle. I really want to figure things out... I wish I could tell you this in person... 'cause this chat thing really ain't making sorting things out easier for me... but you've always been worth a try, even at the times when I've wanted to hide away... go into my cave and cry my heart out. That's what makes this hard. You really are that good, too good to be true, sort of said. You won't believe it when I say it, but that's what makes you irreplaceable... at least to me. I've never met anyone that I've clicked so well with, never met anyone I've been so afraid to lose, never met anyone I've trusted so much.. 'cause the ones that I have trusted with many of the secrets you now know... have misused the trust, have run away... have thought me not to be worth their friendship.

If you think that you know me at all, if you can believe that I wasn't trying to be two-sided or hypocritical on purpose the you maybe can find some room for me still in your heart... it's all I wish for right now. And if not... then I've really lost someone that is worth more than me and the way I treated You.

INFJ - The Mystic

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:12:04 GMT

Whenever I'm lost, I turn to my roots: astrology, psychology and try to figure out... what was it that made me act the way I am... and I learn, every time a little bit more about myself. I will share some of the info:

From here: INFJs enjoy investigating the possibilities and meanings beyond the actual facts and realities. Reading holds a particular fascination for them because it allows them to have quiet reflection time and engages their imagination. They also like the written word (and rely on it more than the spoken word) since it is usually better structured and more coherent with a ready-made framework. INFJs write and communicate well because they want to formulate their ideas clearly. They place high regard on their reader and audience. They seek to communicate their ideals to others. INFJs will go beyond what has been presented and often mull material over in their minds. Occasionally they will discuss ruminations with others in order to learn even more.

(I constantly debate, talk things through, write them down and ramble over them in my head - calling it "introverting" - to make sense of them. To make sense of the feelings I have towards these things, people, relationships and etc... and to figure out where I stand. In a lot of cases, I am unfair, unfair in my negative look at the world. Most of the times it's that I think I know what is going on but honestly don't have a clue about the "real" things that are going on... other times it's just me being negative and trying to avoid letting anyone near my heart... so that they could not hurt me.)

INFJs are likely to have friends of long standing rather than make many new acquaintances. They may meet with their friends fairly consistently to share what is happening in their lives. It is sometimes difficult for others to break into this circle. These deep friendships are important, even though INFJs may not share much directly about themselves.

(I don't let people that near to me as my real friends are often... there are a few chosen ones that get this... but then again, in a lot of cases, I'm not even totally honest towards them. There are few who REALLY know me, or know more than others... )

For INFJs, 'still waters run deep.' They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones. The depth of involvement and feeling that the INFJ has toward loved ones is only partially communicated outward. At times, when alone, INFJs become truly in touch with the depth of the love they have for their partner. They may not openly demonstrate or even verbalize their intense feelings. INFJs often have an ideal standard of what love is. They hold to their ideal and are disappointed when, inevitably, their relationship and/or mate reveals flaws.

(You remember me talking about mental connection? Well here you go... I prefer having a deep mental connection over a really sexual one. I prefer 1-to-1 conversations over small talk. And I really hate bullshitters, just someone who talks for the fun of it. The only thing is... those mental connections tend to disconnect in the end... )

INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it. However, when they meet that special person, they are quick to get into the relationship and make it a serious one. They will end their other relationships in order to pursue their loved one. They become very focused, intense, and direct in that pursuit.

(My first and most important need is to not be alone, to feel that I'm being cared for... to see that feeling in others. If I have that, I will be happy and I will glow and outshine the sun if possible. And I get anxiously into relationships that I feel are right for me. The problem is, others might want to have a tad bit more time to think about things.)

INFJs, when scorned, take it personally and retreat inward. They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. One INFJ explained, 'people can do the most outrageous things, yet I blame myself for triggering their behaviour or not recognizing it. I see myself as responsible for relationships. Other people can dismiss them --- I'm not able to.' INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalized their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long periods of self-examination.

(That is why I say I'm sorry even when I'm certain that you had something to do about it. I think constantly, that I had to be the trigger of some thing that is going on in you. And that is why sometimes it's really hard for me to come out of my cave.)

INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. Because of their vulnerability through a strong facility to introject, INFJs can be hurt rather easily by others, which, perhaps, is at least one reason they tend to be private people. People who have known an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consistent and value integrity. But they have convoluted, complex personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

(I relate to this sentence 100%, even down to the fact where I cannot even understand my own complexities. It's sometimes really hard and tiring trying to figure out what I feel, what I want, who I want and care for... I am THAT complex, even when you guys don't want to believe it.)